1024px-Map_of_USA_showing_state_namesThe most Montana thing I have ever done is be carried across a raging creek by a Missouri rancher who left the state on a bus when he was a teenager in the 1940s.

The most Tennessee thing I have ever done was eat Prince’s Hot Chicken, black-eyed peas, and potato soup on the same day I had moonshine and listened to a fiddle.

The most Virginia thing I have ever done is know my friend S.T. at all, and also to visit Confederate graves with him.

The most Maryland thing I have ever done is visit somewhere in Baltimore that wasn’t the Inner Harbor.

The most Nevada thing I have ever done is accidentally walk outside of a Vegas motel room while on the phone, then stare in horrified fascination at my instantly blackened feet.

The most Nebraska thing I have ever done is be bored by Nebraska and Kansas.

The most Colorado thing I have ever done is listen to “Hot for Teacher” while driving through the majestic Rocky Mountains and experiencing snow, rain, and sunshine in alarmingly rapid succession.

The most Texas and Georgia things I have ever done are both go to the airport. (That is also the most Germany thing I have ever done.)

The most West Virginia thing I have ever done is visit a yard sale being put on by fierce, mean-eyed folks who seem to have come straight down from the holler. They had nothing to say to our kind, and no salesman or woman politeness to offer. When mom and I finally left, an old man sitting on a nearby porch gave us a curt, yet strangely sympathetic nod and wave.

The most Kentucky thing I have ever done is buy Everclear for $7.99.

The most California thing I have ever done is be born in Hollywood Memorial Hospital.

The most Ohio thing I have ever done is be an asshole.

The most North Dakota thing I have ever done is be cold as hell in Fargo on a bus.

The most Wyoming thing I have ever done is be unable to find a place to sleep.

The most Utah thing I have ever done is listen to my sister complain about some Mormons

The most North Carolina thing I have ever done is shoot a semi-automatic with Calvin T., after visiting a promisingly off-putting Army Surplus store.

The most Washington, DC thing I have ever done is see Al Franken walking by through the window of the taxi I was taking to the RT studio. Second place, go to brunch one time or another.

The most New York City thing I have ever done is tied between being in the same bar as Andrew Kirell and Anthony L. Fisher and not having any interest in anything in the state besides the city of New York.

The most Pennsylvania thing I have ever done is walk Pickett’s Charge.

The most Pittsburgh thing I have ever done is accidentally slip into a Pittsburgh accent when I say “Howler’s” (it’s a bar). Second place is swear to leave soon.

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